I got a call saying that mom was in the ER. That same day, mom has a tumor. To the next day saying they will do immediate surgery. The world stopped. All I could do was worry and cry.
I immediately packed up my family and went to be by her side for surgery. It was a brain tumor. I did not know if she would make it through because anything can happen during a brain surgery. The world stopped. All I could do was worry and cry.
She made surgery to find out it was the worst kind of brain tumor possible. Even though they got most of it out. It would quickly return and take her life. The world stopped. All I could do was worry and cry.
I saw many amazing miracles and blessings during this time. When mom got out of surgery, David and I looked into each others eyes, and we could read each others thoughts. We have to stay here and take care of mom. The world stopped. All I could do was worry and cry.
I moved my sweet little family of 3 boys and hubby into my moms house for three months. It was hard! Because this cancer was in her brain...it made her thinking and doing difficult. It was hard for her to think, and sometimes hard for mom to be nice. But, also some good moments too. The world stopped. All I could do was worry and cry.
Blessings, my one things (which at the time were difficult to see), turned into so many! I quickly started a blessings journal to help me see through the fog of sadness and worry...I could have done it here, but was so personal. I can say, my mom should have been acting "sicker" than she was. She did not have any of the scary violent symptoms that were to be expected - blessing! We got to spend time with mee-maw - blessing! We stayed strong as a family unit - blessing!
She struggled for a week short of 14 months before she passed March 31st of this year. The world stopped. I stopped worrying and just cried.
It has only been almost 6 months now living in this world without my mommy here. I miss her so much some days I actually find it hard to breathe. My dad died 6 years ago from a very unexpected heart attack. I don't have anyone to call to talk about these 3 amazing boys of mine. It does feel very lonely. And, of course, at times I feel it is so incredibly unfair.
People who have not had such a loss have a hard time understanding. Why are you sad? She is a great place now! I am not sad for her. I am sad for me and for my boys. She was an amazing grandma. Even though, I didn't agree with her much, she was still my mom, and the one I called on tough days.
Three things I miss most (and I say this so loosely because right now I can think of a million) is her saying "I love you, sweetie", calling her and laughing together as I tell her stories about our 3 amazing little boys, and especially her little gifts in the mail to cheer me up when things were tough.
My BIG BIG BIG one thing - Why can I be grateful for this sad pivotal moment in my life??? Because this happened...I squeeze my children so tight! I look at the beautiful world I live in a little differently. I breathe the fresh air a little more. I fight for things that truly matter, and let go of the things that do not. Life is just too short and too sweet. BLESSING!!! Truly the ultimate ONE THING!
I am finally starting to move forward. At first, the sadness was too heavy. I stayed home. I didn't socialize. At times hardly functioned at home. I found little chores to big huge obstacles. Little faults and imperfections to be big disasters. But, the world did not really stop. Neither has my crying. But, I am moving forward! Thankfully I have my husband and three boys to remind me of that.
Moving forward I have made big changes in my life. I am fighting for what is truly importing and letting go of that which is not. I decided to home school my children. I would not have been this brave before, but because my mom has left this Earth it has given me the strength to do so! Thankful. It was such a great, perfect, and inspired decision! I am now enjoying and learning in this life with them by my side :)
I know this post is pretty sad, and hard for me to write without tissue. But, from now on, using this as a catalyst...to move forward with the ultimate ONE THING: enjoying this life! Sharing the sweet little things along the way.
Thanks for listening. Friends, who have stuck through this with me...I treasure you more than you know (you know who you are). Dear husband of mine, even though difficult, I would not have done this without you or with anyone else. You are my rock! You are my super hero! Even though you don't understand...you try! God bless you for that! I love you!!!
Here is to more wonderful years of "one things"
