Sunday, September 23, 2012
I got a call saying that mom was in the ER. That same day, mom has a tumor. To the next day saying they will do immediate surgery. The world stopped. All I could do was worry and cry.
I immediately packed up my family and went to be by her side for surgery. It was a brain tumor. I did not know if she would make it through because anything can happen during a brain surgery. The world stopped. All I could do was worry and cry.
She made surgery to find out it was the worst kind of brain tumor possible. Even though they got most of it out. It would quickly return and take her life. The world stopped. All I could do was worry and cry.
I saw many amazing miracles and blessings during this time. When mom got out of surgery, David and I looked into each others eyes, and we could read each others thoughts. We have to stay here and take care of mom. The world stopped. All I could do was worry and cry.
I moved my sweet little family of 3 boys and hubby into my moms house for three months. It was hard! Because this cancer was in her brain...it made her thinking and doing difficult. It was hard for her to think, and sometimes hard for mom to be nice. But, also some good moments too. The world stopped. All I could do was worry and cry.
Blessings, my one things (which at the time were difficult to see), turned into so many! I quickly started a blessings journal to help me see through the fog of sadness and worry...I could have done it here, but was so personal. I can say, my mom should have been acting "sicker" than she was. She did not have any of the scary violent symptoms that were to be expected - blessing! We got to spend time with mee-maw - blessing! We stayed strong as a family unit - blessing!
She struggled for a week short of 14 months before she passed March 31st of this year. The world stopped. I stopped worrying and just cried.
It has only been almost 6 months now living in this world without my mommy here. I miss her so much some days I actually find it hard to breathe. My dad died 6 years ago from a very unexpected heart attack. I don't have anyone to call to talk about these 3 amazing boys of mine. It does feel very lonely. And, of course, at times I feel it is so incredibly unfair.
People who have not had such a loss have a hard time understanding. Why are you sad? She is a great place now! I am not sad for her. I am sad for me and for my boys. She was an amazing grandma. Even though, I didn't agree with her much, she was still my mom, and the one I called on tough days.
Three things I miss most (and I say this so loosely because right now I can think of a million) is her saying "I love you, sweetie", calling her and laughing together as I tell her stories about our 3 amazing little boys, and especially her little gifts in the mail to cheer me up when things were tough.
My BIG BIG BIG one thing - Why can I be grateful for this sad pivotal moment in my life??? Because this happened...I squeeze my children so tight! I look at the beautiful world I live in a little differently. I breathe the fresh air a little more. I fight for things that truly matter, and let go of the things that do not. Life is just too short and too sweet. BLESSING!!! Truly the ultimate ONE THING!
I am finally starting to move forward. At first, the sadness was too heavy. I stayed home. I didn't socialize. At times hardly functioned at home. I found little chores to big huge obstacles. Little faults and imperfections to be big disasters. But, the world did not really stop. Neither has my crying. But, I am moving forward! Thankfully I have my husband and three boys to remind me of that.
Moving forward I have made big changes in my life. I am fighting for what is truly importing and letting go of that which is not. I decided to home school my children. I would not have been this brave before, but because my mom has left this Earth it has given me the strength to do so! Thankful. It was such a great, perfect, and inspired decision! I am now enjoying and learning in this life with them by my side :)
I know this post is pretty sad, and hard for me to write without tissue. But, from now on, using this as a catalyst...to move forward with the ultimate ONE THING: enjoying this life! Sharing the sweet little things along the way.
Thanks for listening. Friends, who have stuck through this with me...I treasure you more than you know (you know who you are). Dear husband of mine, even though difficult, I would not have done this without you or with anyone else. You are my rock! You are my super hero! Even though you don't understand...you try! God bless you for that! I love you!!!
Here is to more wonderful years of "one things"
Monday, September 27, 2010
So I woke up this morning. Like I have to every morning. It’s Monday. My kiddo’s were all sick last night. The not so fun kind of sick. You know….the kind where you need bowls, changes of clothes, and lots of wipes, some bathing is involved, and you should be wearing a clothes pin on your nose.So…when I woke up this particular Monday morning. I am not excited. Feeling very cranky. Thinking I am going to get nothing done but hold little people and swab the deck all day.
Then I made a very VERY conscious decision.Instead of “this” I am going to think “that”. Here is how it went….
This – I have sick children to tend to all day
That – I have children! Beautiful, amazing, wonderful children of my very own to care for!
This – Frozen corndogs for lunch?! Ick…no, double ick!
That – I have something to eat! Even better, it comes on a stick. No mess to clean up! Ingenious
This – My house is a disaster. I need/have to clean up….dishes, toys, laundry….you get it
That – I have an able body to do these chores! And one more better, I have a house to clean! I might say, casually, that I want a cardboard box to live in with no worries, but secretly, that is not true at all!
This – I need to make dinner for hubby.
That – I have a hubby who comes home to me! And I have food to cook for him.
I know it may seem silly. But, it got me through the day that seemed so terrible to face when I first got up. And to think, I chose to do this all day in my brain is a miracle in itself. I really need to do this more often. Would help my sanity and improve my attitude.Dave Walters, this is for you. But, mostly for me :) Thanks friend
Friday, February 5, 2010
Whoa! Put on your painting overalls kiddos…it’s going to be a bumpy paint job!!!
Oh but we had soooo much fun!
So I went stir crazy one day. Realized for many reasons that the boys bedroom and playroom needed to switched. It caused quite an upstir in the Millard home for a whole afternoon. But, got it done.
Now, the bedroom looked nicer, painted nursery room with Jesus pictures and coordinating curtains, and it is the warmest room in the house :) for my boys to be snuggly the rest of winter (what is left).
But, the playroom is just white walls and a whole bunch of toys. Thinking…a can of paint and a project for the boys. This will be fun…
It started with Boo OPENING THE PAINT CAN BY HIMSELF WITH A SPOON WITHOUT ME NOTICING!!!! He was ready to go, and I was trying to get there, but not fast enough for him apparently. Ok, ok. No biggie. Let’s get started. Took pj’s off and we were running with paint brushes. Literally.
Quite fun. The boys enjoyed it for like ten minutes. Boo then said, “take a break.” Hilarious, just like a man. Just as I finished that wall and went to the next wall…here they come again to paint.
Funniest part is that I really had to be on top of them watching how much paint got on the brushes, wiping the floors that got totally splattered, and constant reminding of what they should be painting (not the window, or window sills, or doors, or trim). Eli “handed” me a booger. I thought, “I will just wipe this on my pants and keep on going.” But, nope! This one was a doozie. It was gross. Needed to wash this one off. Seriously. Quick run to bathroom in 5 seconds (how much damage could they do, right?). Boy howdy…Eli was painting the actual window after I noticed he had painted some of the trim as well…I turn and Boo is painting the closet doors. Good gravy!!!! I was gone 5 seconds! REALLY? Quick fix with a wet towel that was VERY handy. Finished by another reminder of what the painting rules were…you know…just in case another booger came along.
Boo, called himself a “bad guy” for doing it. Probably because when he does something good we call him the “super hero.” So, I had to tell him it was just his super hero side that made a small mistake that could be fixed. He then said he needed a break. I hope my super hero isn’t crushed :(
The whole experience was my highlight today. I survived it. The whole house is not gecko green, thank heavens. And the boys mostly enjoyed it. Why gecko green, you ask? Well, Boo is liking green. It is their playroom after all….it’s not so bad. It’s growing on me. Why didn’t Eli pick a color, you ask? Well, he didn’t care when picking the paint he just wanted to push the shopping cart around. Understandable….
So there you go! Now…tomorrow…they are making some artwork on canvas’ to hang up in there. I am excited and will share that tomorrow…even baby Sam has a canvas for foot and hand prints. It will be awesome!
Thursday, February 4, 2010
My sweet two year old. He has been having a rough time. It seems everyone gets shuffled now and again with five of us in the house, and it’s hard to get everyone’s wants let alone needs met. So poor Eli…
Josh has started riding the school bus this week. Of course, being the younger brother, Eli wants to ride it too. But, Eli doesn’t go to school, yet. He cried almost every morning to go bye-bye on the bus. It breaks my heart.
So, I thought….Eli and I need special time….hmmmm
I don’t have money…and I have baby Sam. Dave has been extra busy with work and church lately….so what do I do?
We, as a family, went to the new big library. Got library cards, and I noticed they have toddler story time. We do story time at our little library close to the house, but we checked out some movies that need to be returned on Thursday….
There you go, we go to the library for story time when baby Sam is his happiest (in the morning) listen to story time and check out a train movie just for my sweet Eli. But, don’t you know I didn’t stop there. Literally across the sidewalk, on the way to the parking garage is a Chipotle. Eli and I love Chipotle (taco burrito stuff, Eli and I particularly like the guacamole and chips) and I treated us also to a coke (also something Eli and I thoroughly enjoy).
Yes, I have noticed that Eli and I are way too much alike. I LOVE it!
We sit down together to enjoy a wonderful early lunch, and finish just in time to go to the car to nurse baby Sam (while Eli drives the car) and then to return home to get Boo off the bus from school.
To top off the date with a cherry…Eli and Sam both fall asleep in the car, and stay asleep for two hours. It even gave me some time to snuggle Boo when he got home to eat lunch and start a movie.
So really quality time with everyone today. But, very special time with my sweet Eli. He is my mess maker, outside voice, strong willed middle child. But, I love him dearly. He is tender and sweet with a heart melting smile. I am going to have to commit to doing this more for all of my children.
Eli you are the bestest! I love you.
Monday, February 1, 2010
So, now I have to put on another brave hat…it’s time for Boo to ride the bus.
When it was first offered to me, by the school, my first reaction was, “No way!” I appreciate having to get out of my pajamas and get everyone ready for the day before like noon. REALLY appreciate the motivation. And I absolutely enjoy dropping off my sweet Boo at the front door of school with a kiss and a have a good day knowing that he is going in safely.
Well, David looked at me cross-eyed…so…ok….I would also appreciate not having to get Eli and Sam out twice a day in just a couple of hours four times a week. That is hard work. My van door is busted and Sam’s car seat has to go ALL the way in the back of the van. Back breaking. I also warmed up the car twice a day which is eating up precious gas. Speaking of gas, this would also save me gas. But, I only want to do it if Boo does…
So Dave always says, ask Boo, and if he doesn’t like it or you don’t like it then we stop doing it. He does this, I know, he knows that it will be just fine and it’s the only way he can talk me into doing these torturous things to my poor mommy heart. This I also appreciate.
So, Boo…do you want to ride the school bus to school instead of mommy driving you? His response, “The bus that goes bumpety bump?” Of course…I knew what was coming…”YES!” My heart shatters into a million pieces and melts down to the pit of my stomach sizzling in my stomach acids (yuck). But, that is how it feels to me.
So Monday, pack him up, get him ready, and there is the dreaded bus at my driveway. Boo, is soooo excited, but I can tell he is not sure, just because it is his first time. The first time for me to ask Boo to do anything new makes me worry until I know he likes it. So all morning I stew…is he ok? did he get there? will he like it? did he cry? was he scared?
As I think of all these things I remember that I didn’t say a prayer with him (which is something I do every morning in the car on the way to school). Yep, you guessed it, I start balling at this revelation. I didn’t pray for his safety, or for God to be with him in this new experience…how could I have done that?
I quickly say a prayer to myself through tears. And cry till he gets home. He gets off with a smile :) He loves the bus. Of course, he does. Now, tomorrow just have to remember to pray before he walks out the door. He is more precious than gold, and much braver than myself.
Boo you are a big boy! But, don’t forget your mommy loves you and worries about you all the time because you mean the world to me!!
Monday, January 25, 2010
To that man of mine.
I have to say I kind of let my hubby have it on Saturday. I was just fed up. I have been feeling sick lately, a lot sick for a long time…and we all know how hard it is to be a mom. When you’re a mom of little kiddos you just can’t take a sick day. I have been sick for 3 weeks now! Boy, am I done.
I have also been thinking that lately I have been very generous to let David do things that he wants to do, and I TRY to allow and not complain later. I know it’s silly, but even on days he needs to work late. Yes, I feel like I give permission for that :), but we all know he does it cause he has to.
By Saturday, I had had enough. I needed, desperately, a break. A small amount of time when no one was asking for chocolate milk, climbing on me, whining, fighting, pooping….well, you get it.
Of course, before I left I just gave it to my hubby. How unfair and imbalanced things seemed to me. I told him EXACTLY how I felt. And that wasn’t fair either.
My hubby tries soooo hard. He is really starting to get how things are with me, what is important, and how to keep me happy…mostly. But, you know, enough was enough.
Now, I don’t know how long it will last, but the rest of the weekend the dishes were caught up and the house was picked up. Hmmmm, nice! He even finished fixing the bathroom sink and really helped out with the boys when things got hairy.
I’d like to think this to last forever…probably not. But, I know that his intentions are good and that he loves me tenderly.So, hubby, here is your credit…thank you. I did notice. I do appreciate you listening to me. I do love the man that you are becoming for this family and its needs. Mostly, I love you tenderly back. Know that EVERYTHING I do is for you and these precious boys of ours. I may get fed up with my job, but I LOVE, ADORE, and TREASURE my job and life now. I really do. I would never in a million decades trade my life for some recreation and sleep. EVER!!!
Friday, January 22, 2010
My boys are wonderful. As if you haven’t figured that out by now….
I had to take baby Sam in today for his four month shots. The boys came with me. Surprisingly enough…they were amazing!
Eli played with micromachine cars on the floor and Josh…well, here it comes…the point of this blog…
Josh, aka Dr. Millard, goes to help himself to the latex gloves, that were a fun color of purple, proceeds to put them on and “takes care of” the patient…Sam.
Baby Sam loves this. Smiles right at him. And our family doc liked it too.
Then the fun part is over, and I warn the boys that baby Sam is about to get his shots. That they will hurt him, but we do it so he won’t get sick. That we will take care of him today because of it. Pretty much saying we all have to be brave.
The two nurses come in to do the job….started to get their latex gloves, and here come my boys jumping right in. They both dive into the latex gloves and start prepping with the nurses. Ready to take care of our baby Sam.
Josh tells him it will be ok, and Eli…well, it takes him quite a while to get his glove on. By the time he figures it out and gets it on the whole thing is over.
I quickly pick up baby Sam to hold him tight and calm him down.
Dr. Millard and Dr. Millard both come over and give him a kiss on the head. Just what the doctor ordered!My boys are amazing, precious, sweet, loving, kind, and wonderful. I want them to know that we will always take care of each other because that is what we have here on Earth and forever….each other. I am so very proud of them. They take care of each. Yes, an occasional fight here and there, but the majority of the time it is LOVE here. It makes me so proud to be their mom. Maybe someday I might actually have a doctor in the family too :)